This lot will make you want to be alone on Valentine’s day.

February 14, 2015 by Sarah

Everybody hates Valentine’s day. Everybody. It’s the day when being single is akin to leprosy, and if you’re in a couple, you’re forced into buying into the cynical proliferation of hearts, flowers, chocolates and kittens, when quite frankly, if you need a special day marked on your calender to remind you to appreciate your loved one, you’re doing it all wrong. But then again, if you ignore it, you feel like a curmudgeonly cheapskate, so you can’t win. Let’s face it, Valentine’s day causes bad feeling and makes us all hate ourselves just that little bit more than we usually do.

I might not be able to stop this madness – I only wish I could, but hopefully my strategy for today’s post will make us all feel just a little bit better. I’ve spent hours trawling through the lonely hearts profiles on Plenty of Fiction, just for you. So, if you’re:

A) alone and suffering Valentine misery – what could be more therapeutic than seeing people more miserable than you are?

B) in a couple but feeling Valentine manipulated – take some time to be thankful your partner is not as bad as these specimens. (If they are, you may want to consider option A, above!)

Name             Miss Haversham (‘Great Expectations’)

Details           Spinster, but soon to be married, fingers crossed………. still waiting….

Hobbies         While waiting for my groom to arrive (he’s been unavoidably delayed), I like to make                                young men fall hopelessly in love with my beautiful young charge, Estella, before                                    mercilessly dashing their hopes on the rocks of disappointment and despair. I find it                                helps pass the time.

Likes               Vintage clothing, especially wedding dresses.

Personality     I’m very, very, patient. Oh, and I’m not bitter (much!).

Name               Pyotr Petrovich Luzhin (‘Crime and Punishment‘)

Details             Looking for an impoverished slave, *cough* I mean, wife to dominate, sorry, marry.

Hobbies           I get tremendous satisfaction from slandering destitute women as criminals, while                                    appearing to be charitable towards them. I find it helps distract me from such                                          disappointments as when interfering relatives thwart my wedding plans.

Likes                Male grooming, lilac gloves.

Personality      I’m totally *cough* trustworthy, and handsome. Did I mention handsome?

Name           The Wife of Bath (‘The Canterbury Tales’)

Details         Looking for fun, but if I met Mr Right, I’d be open to the possibility of marriage….. for                              the sixth time.

Hobbies       I like a good gossip, but you’ll have to speak up! I love going to weddings, especially                              when they’re my own.

Likes            I like all men, but especially rich ones. I’m also rather partial to scarlet stockings and a                            statement hat.

Personality  Let’s just say I’m a very physical person (wink, wink!)

Name                 Angel Clare (‘Tess of the D’Urbevilles’)

Details               Having enjoyed the freedom of my youth, I’m now looking for marriage with someone                              beautiful and pure, who likes farming. Must have unassailable character but also be                              forgiving.

Hobbies            Farming, dancing, playing the flute.

Likes                  Milk-maids, travel, extended periods of judgmental silent absence.

Personality        I’m a free-thinker and hate snobbery and hypocrisy of all kinds. Despite my education                            and background, I would not dismiss a potential match with someone from a less well-                            established family,  (although any old family connections might come in useful to help                            smooth the way with my own dear Mama and Papa), and my wife to be should feel                                  assured that I would undertake rigorous training in manners and education so she                                  would not feel inferior when in the company of my family.

Post navigation

← Polyreading. No, not a parrot with a book.

Who knew you could fry buttercups? →